journey to the outer islands - XOXOI

The processing of kelp is possibly one of the most fascinating things ever seen, heard of or thought about, even in the abstract. I can confidently say if I did not know anything of the production of kelp-oriented products, such as ankelpracelets and kelpee records, I would probably have such an empty and idle brain that a rapid tap on my skull would shatter it to tiny dusty pieces. I am equally certain your own tiny intelligence could not cope with it. It would be like trying to record a television program onto a turnip by shoving it into a sock, so let’s just say kelp processing is really good. Having thoroughly inspected (and, in Old Rogers’ case, named) all the kelp, we returned to Lax Lodgings in need of refreshment and succour. But it transpired we were the succours! Particularly since, as it was entirely made of glass, I should have noticed that there was not a stick of furniture in the entire building. ‘Oh, Old Rogers,’ I gasped. ‘How could you do this to me?!’

He said nothing, having not come in the door yet so he hadn’t heard me.

‘Rogers,’ I said, this time ensuring he would be in my presence when I spoke, ‘there’s no time to waste. What we need is some wood and some nails, or an upturned turtle.’

‘Is it for furniture makin’, ma’am?’ he wheedled. ‘I packed some very fine furniture afore we left, so…’

‘Rogers!’ I snapped. ‘I need to fix your error post-haste. Find me some wood and some nails, for we are making chairs, tables, four beds, a sideboard and a new hat for me to travel to town on Thursday.

‘Aye ma’am. Ma’am?’

‘Gammon! What is it now!’

‘Could I just break up the chairs, tables, beds and sideboard I already brought over? There’s not much wood on the island, so…’

‘Rogers, please keep your sentences concise so I don’t have to continually break into them! Yes! Do what must be done!’