journey to the outer islands - VI and a green1/2

Once we arrived at the dock, we were conveyed via coach to the Lax Lodgings. Rocking from side to side, travelling up a mountain path that zig-zagged ludicrously and meaninglessly, I fell to wondering what would happen if the coach went out of control. Of course, being me, I didn’t so much fall to wondering, as fall to knowing. I decided then and there I’d mention it to Old Rogers, who of course had never been in a wheeled vehicle before, aside from the time we accidentally gave him a funeral (and then it was just a bicycle). ‘Rogers,’ I began.

He turned to me, his eyes alight. ‘Ma’am?’ he enquired.

‘Should the horses run off in defiance of all restraint while you’re in this coach, sit perfectly still and, in anticipation of the possible overturn, keep your legs and arms from straggling.’

‘Like this?’ he said, straggling his legs and arms with vivacity.

‘Exactly like that, only the opposite,’ I instructed.

‘Like this?’ now, he was entirely unstraggled at all limbs.

‘Yes, that’s right Rogers, only I think normally you say ‘loike’ for ‘like’ and I can’t imagine what has made you drop your usual speaking manner. If this is a repeat of the coffee house incident I’ll…

‘Oi’m sorry, ma’am,’ he apologised sorriously. ‘Oi’m so unused to this strange land, Oi keep forgettin’ I’m… Oi’m just a crofter. Such a simple crofter, in fact, Oi’ve forgotten what a crofter is, and whether in fact I am one.’

‘”Oi”, Rogers, “Oi,”’ I corrected him.

‘Oi Oi Oi’, he agreed, smiling impishly and giving two thumbs up. I noticed one of his thumbs had a toadstool on it which I flicked off. It flew out of the carriage window and bounced off a canyon rim. ‘Oi was savin’ that!’ Rogers whinged. ‘That was my supper!’ I ignored the fact that he was becoming slightly less subserviant. In fact, I rather liked it.

‘Sit easily and compactly so that, when upset, you will gently roll over in the direction you are thrown,’ I went on. ‘Ladies, in these circumstances, scream wildly, and throw their arms out of the windows, thus exposing themselves to the chance of broken limbs. If run away with in a gig, either sit still collectedly – you know how to do that, don’t you Rogers? – or drop out at the back, so as to fall on your hands.’