The marriage ceremony is the single most important moment in any adult’s life. If the slightest misstep is taken, God dictates a memo to St Peter about it and when you are at the gates of heaven, he will probably quiz you on the errors before he even thinks about letting you in. That said, you should not feel any pressure.
The day before the wedding, the bride-to-be sends white gloves, wrapped in white paper and tied with white ribbon to each of the bridesmaids. The bridegroom does the same to each of the bridegroomsmen.
One portion of the wedding cake is cut into small oblong pieces, and passed by the bridesmaids through the wedding ring, which is delivered into their charge for this purpose. The pieces of cake are afterwards put up in ornamental paper, generally pink or white, enamelled, and tied with bows of silvered paper. This pleasantly obscene old custom (silver paper! I ask you!) is, however, much on the wane.
The bridesmaids on the evening also prepare the wedding favours, which should be put up in a box ready to be conveyed to church on the morning of the marriage. A picturesque custom is observed in many country weddings, where the bride’s friends strew her path to the church door with flowers. In the city, a substitute strew might be asphalt, pieces of brick and manure, or urban vomitus. Huzzah!
The parties assemble on the morning of the wedding in the drawing-room of the residence of the bride’s father, and then the cortage – that’s French for, er, cottage – proceeds to the church in this order:
In the first carriage, the bride’s mother, and the parents of the bridegroom
In the second, third, fourth etc carriages, the bridesmaids, giggling pissily
In the next carriages, the bride’s friends
In the last carriage, the bride and her father, blowing hot air out of his nostrils like a bull.
Then they all go to the church and you get married. The end.
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